Dying Hell
by Amara the Warrior
Summary: Priss struggles with Bipolar Disorder and has her whole life. Now she has to fight other people's battles and try to stay afloat. Priss/Leon...Priss/Linna friendship. Rated M for language and mature topics.


_A/N: I am trying a new way of writing. I like writing in the first person a lot. It's just easier for me to jot down my feelings this way. Sometimes I will go to a different character's 1st Person perspective. However, I will always let you know who they are. Well...enjoy the story. This story has the Priss/Leon pairing and is about Priss's struggles with Bipolar Disorder. I have a friend who struggles with Bipolar Disorder and I wrote this in her honor._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040...I just like to write. This is fanfiction. This disclaimer is in effect for the rest of the story._

**Chapter One**

I was wasted. Worse, I was stupid. I couldn't feel my hands. I was numb all over.

I drank so I wouldn't feel anymore. Everything was going nuts. My feelings were coming in so strong and I couldn't read them so I drowned them out with alcohol. It was easier for me and it usually worked.

Until now when I went too far and got really sick. My body couldn't handle a lot of stress or punishment. It was fragile and could break easily.

But I was tired of it all. I didn't want to be different and bedridden. I wasn't disabled; I was STRONG!

And I was going to prove it to the whole world no matter what.

And when I fell, I didn't even hear myself hit the ground. I felt it though, and it was painful. But that didn't matter, what mattered was that my emotions were drowned out.

I didn't want to feel so I found something more painful to cover it up. Then the physical pain replaced the emotional pain and all was well.

I wasn't an alcoholic but I could relate using substances to escape emotional pain.

They were great at dulling pain.

I couldn't run away from this, so I stayed.

Staying meant death because I was so overwhelmed.

It was a horrible thing to do, and I was ashamed of it, but at the same time glad I did it. It was a necessary evil. It meant I would spend one more night alive.

* * *

I woke up the next morning with a hangover. The pain was gone for a little while longer.

My mind kept flashing back to Linna; she had called me her sister. I was so happy about this feeling and at the same time I was a little scared.

I didn't have a lot of people who were close to me. My mom died when I was young. I barely remembered what she smelt like.

My friend Linna, she reminded me of my mom. She was perfect, like an angel. I knew I couldn't be close to this girl; I couldn't show her my bad side. I was a good person, but there was an evil side that took control.

When that happened I wasn't a nice person anymore, I was this rude, dark woman. I hated that part of me so much. My cell phone started ringing. I looked at the caller ID; it was Linna.

I was suddenly so embarrassed. I didn't want her to call me when I was such a mess. I felt so ashamed.

I picked up the phone anyway, cringing when she answered on the other end.

"Hey," she called. She was always so friendly.

"What were you going to ask me?" I started.

She laughed. "What made you think I wanted to ask you something?"

I didn't have an answer; I just knew it had to be it.

No one called me 'just to talk'….

Throughout the conversation I faded in and out, in and out. It was hard to pay attention.

Part of me didn't want to pay attention. I just wanted to disappear and never return.

Linna had to bring me back to earth a couple times. "Are you okay?" she asked a couple of times. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said quietly.

There was a silence. "Um, okay…" she didn't sound convinced. "You just are so quiet today. I didn't get to see you last night; I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine," I repeated. "Why do you keep asking me?"

"I'm worried about you."

"Why? I never asked you to worry about me…"

"You don't have to ask me," she explained. "I do it because I'm your friend."

"I…have…friends?"

"Yes, you do."

"I had no idea you cared about me so much."

"I always have, and I always will too."

I had no idea Linna saw me as a friend. I never let myself get too close to her. I built a wall to protect myself from people and all the pain in the world.

People thought I was crazy for doing that. I called it survival.

* * *

It was the only way to survive in this broken world. At least, that was my take on it.

I had to be in control of my feelings. I had to be a winner.

Some people just wouldn't let me be. I had to be attacked for who I was.

I was really sick of it. I was so sick of being a bad person just because I was good and honest.

It reminded me of a story of a famous martyr. In the beginning they all had good intentions, and in the end they all burned.

Maybe I needed to stop having good intentions?

I knew that was crazy, but it was how I felt. And if I kept thinking about it, it just made me feel sick.

I rubbed my face.

I really wanted out.

I was just too afraid to do it.

It was the strange irony of my life.

I had a lot of trouble with self-injury. I was a cutter in high school. I quit because it was a bad habit. People always looked so sad when I told them. It was taboo; not many people were okay with it. It wasn't the same thing as suicide.

I wasn't planning on killing myself. I never wanted to.

I just wanted to be free.

That's all I wanted. But, for some reason people didn't understand that that. They thought I was some kind of psychopath.

It was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard.

They had never noticed that psychos were afflicted with anti-social personality disorder.

That was all I knew about the word "psycho". People were sick.

I was the only decent person around.

* * *

I had a doctor appointment next week. I was dreading it. It wasn't that I didn't like my doctor, he was great. I just felt so uncomfortable talking about my issues.

Society saw people with mental illness in a different light. And I couldn't change the way they saw me.

I wanted to scream and shout, and make it all stop…but…it wasn't in my power.

He was a doctor; he was just doing his job.

I was his patient, I was supposed to listen and do exactly what he told me to do.

However, I was not that kind of person. No one told me what to do, no matter what it was. I was a free spirit and I always did what I wanted.

No one could stop me…

I had a motorcycle and a guitar. I loved to sing and ride along the world. I liked a world without rules or consequences.

I loved the feeling of being free.

If anything being mentally ill taught me the true nature of people. Some people didn't want to understand and didn't care about anyone but themselves. People were always trying to put others below them so they could feel more powerful. It was the way of the world.

I hated it, and now that I saw it, I never wanted to be that way.

Everyone knew liars never made it to heaven.

I lived in Tokyo. Tokyo was in Japan and was a huge city. It stretched for miles and miles.

It was overflowing with people.

I knew I lived in a city, but I couldn't have felt more alone. There were so many people and it always seemed like people just didn't know what to say.

I didn't know what to say either. I wasn't the easiest to get to know.

I put a wall in front of me to protect myself from harm. It really frustrated Sylvia, Linna, and Nene.

I knew they meant well, but I had to do this on my own.

That was how I always did things.

I was strong and a fighter.

* * *

Time passed and I had to go to work…so I put my helmet on and got on my motorcycle. It was so dark outside. I would be the only person on the road. I was supposed to meet Sylvia, Linna and Nene for a meeting.

I wasn't going to miss those meetings when all this was over. I never liked to cooperate with those girls. I mostly just stood off to the side and twiddled my thumbs.

I was a great fighter though, and that's why they loved me so much.

They were the closest thing I ever had to a family. It was strange, because I wasn't close to them. My entire family died, so I never got a chance to push them away.

I came from the wrong side of the tracks. My foster family was dysfunctional at best.

I was beaten, and verbally abused. It was painful living in that place.

Then I moved out, and met Sylvia. She treated me better than my family ever did.

I barely talked to my foster family; they were dead to me.

My mom died a long time ago. My foster dad always called me unbalanced and such. It was hurtful.

I wish people took the time to understand me, instead of judging me at every corner.

I wasn't angry.

I was too used to it. The abuse to me became more like love. And that was a very bad thing.

The road was as dark as my soul. The headlights barely showed me the way.

I sighed.

Maybe….this would get better?

I hoped it would. I was tired of suffering. I was tired of not sleeping and I was tired of the damn stigma.

There had to be something I could do.

I didn't like my reality anymore. And I couldn't escape it.

It was scary because I had never been in such a horrible situation…

Things kept getting worse every day.

I had to be positive, but that was so hard.

There had to be something I could do.

I wouldn't give up….

Not until it was all over.

* * *

The meeting was held in Sylvia's shop. Surprisingly it was still in great shape. All those creatures, all that damage…and it was still there.

I was just so numb from that horrible experience we had in this city. There was so much bloodshed and pain.

At the end of the final battle I was found naked in the desert. Thankfully people understood and didn't rape me.

I got a few strange looks and a lot of screams, but everything ended okay.

I got back to Tokyo a year later and had been working with the Knight Sabers ever since. There was no pay, but I did it anyway. I never used to be like that.

The experience totally changed me. I didn't care about the money or the glory.

I just wanted to keep the boomer menace from reoccurring. Those creatures…they were disgusting. And I never wanted to see those things again. I was going to fight, no matter what it took.

When I got there it was dark. The lights were off as a security measure. Sylvia lived there as well, she was so lucky.

I lived in a trailer. Sadly, the trailer was in the worst part of the city. I couldn't really help it; I didn't have a lot of money.

I was poor. I grew up poor, and I felt like I would die poor.

When I saw Sylvia, I saw the person I wanted to be. Everything was given to her so easily. I hated her for it.

Most people called it jealousy, I called it longing. All I really wanted was to be okay. I desired an easier life.

I didn't feel like I would get one.

It was too hard to catch up.

Damn all those troubles. Let me be on time.

Let me get by.

* * *

It was dark and cold inside the building. I walked further down the hall. Sylvia created a lot of obstacles to keep people from finding out about us.

She was good at that.

When I got down there everyone was already waiting for me.

Of course they were waiting for me, I was late.

I usually was late; it was my style.

Linna smiled when she saw me. "I'm so glad you're here," she sighed. "We thought something had happened."

I laughed. "Sorry".

"We have a mission for you and Linna," Sylvia explained.

"Okay, what is it?" I grumbled. The weight of the depression inside me was crushing my thoughts.

"We need you to watch someone."

"Why?" I was confused.

"He may be a terrorist."

I sighed. And I thought it was going to be a short night.

* * *

I groaned as we left the building. "Do we have to?"

She sighed. "Priss, it's going to be okay. This is a good thing; you and I are the strongest ones on the team. We can do this!"

Oh, Linna. She was such an inspiration to me; she never gave up no matter what! That's why I loved her so much.

"Who did she say it was again?" I asked quietly.

"Mr. Myers," Linna explained. "He was second in command to Mason.

Mason…that sick bastard. I hated him so much. He wanted to be God, he was an ugly person. I couldn't believe there was another person just like him.

"What's he trying to do?"

"Be God," Linna said quietly. "He wants to create more boomers. He believes we've reached the end of our evolution. He wants to free us from the dead end we made for ourselves."

"What a sick man!"

"That's not the worst thing," she added.

I gasped. "What could be worse than this?"

"He knows we exist."

That WAS a bad thing.

* * *

After Priss left we were sad. Nene and I sat there staring at each other. I was Sylvia; I was the boss. I told Priss and Linna to go after him. I knew myself that it was going to be a dangerous mission.

I was too weak to go myself.

Priss, please be okay!

"Sylvia," Nene said quietly. "Why did you send them there?"

"What would you prefer?" I snapped. "Send us there and get killed! Without me we'll fall, and without you we'll be clueless."

She blinked. "Are you saying they don't matter?"

I shook my head sadly. "Priss never gave a damn about herself. And Linna would follow Priss into hell. They were made to go together."

It was the truth. I couldn't have stopped them, even if I tried.

Priss was independent and did what she wanted. She had never changed from when I first met her.

She made her own rules and lived in a chaotic world. Sometimes she was wild and vicious, other times quiet and fearful. When she crashed she was a wreck and was no use to us.

I knew she wanted to die. That's why I sent her.

Every mission she ever did was a suicide mission. She didn't really care about her wellbeing. She loved the thrill of putting her life on the line.

She once told me "if this job wasn't able to kill me, I'd have left long ago…"

The only person who got along with her was Linna. Linna was special; amazingly she was able to understand Priss and sympathize with her.

Linna was kind and Priss was a cold human being. I had no idea how those opposites went together so well.

Fire and ice made a good team…instead of melting the other, they were one.

I was shocked.

Mr. Myers was a dangerous man. The only people who managed to get close to him were dead. He was a true madman.

I felt sorry for Linna. She was being pulled into this horrible triangle of Love and hate that Priss stood for.

Linna didn't deserve it but she cared about Priss. She wanted Priss to be happy. I wanted no part of it.

"What if they die?" Nene asked. "They won't…" I lied

I didn't want to think about that. I shut my mind off.

Priss was the most gifted of all the girls.

Linna was the kindest of all the girls.

Nene and I just faded into history. I took Nene's hand. "Please just don't talk about this anymore," I ordered. "I swear, I'll go mad if we have to keep talking about this!"

Nene sighed. "I just hope they're okay."

I slammed my fist down into the table. "Damn it all," I grumbled.

* * *

It was dark and cold. I kept running away with the sweat pouring down my face. My name was Anita, and someone was chasing me down the street!

I didn't know who they were and I was scared for my life. I just wanted this all to stop.

Someone grabbed my shoulder and I screamed.

* * *

I smiled as I watched the woman fall down to the ground. The crazed robot tore into her as her shoulders flayed in desperation.

I was Mr. Myers, and I was going to bring boomers back.

* * *

Linna and I stopped for a while and rested. Our legs were so heavy and I was too tired to keep going.

Linna turned to me in concern. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"Why do you think something is wrong?"

"Because you're crying."

I proudly wiped my face. "I'm not crying."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes you are I can see the tears!"

She crotched down next to me. "Why are you crying? What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "I feel like I'm dying."

She pulled back in alarm. "What?"

"I can't think, I can't feel…I just want to die, is that too much to ask for?"

"I don't want you to die," she murmured.

"Why?"

"Because I love you!"

I smiled "Thanks."

I was thankful to have one good friend.

I knew Sylvia and Nene wouldn't have done the same for me. I knew what they really thought of me.

They thought I was dangerous to them and their good name.

They knew I didn't care about my life…that's why they just wanted to send me on all these dangerous missions.

It was their way of getting even.

"Linna," I asked. "Do you think Sylia and the others really care about me…or us?"

She just stared at me. I think she honestly didn't know what to say. I don't think she thought the same things I did.

I never wanted her to hurt.

I just wanted to know the truth…

"I…don't…know?" she answered. She got quiet and stopped moving. "I don't want to think of the inevitable. I just want to fight…one last time."

For Linna, fighting was easy. Fighting blindly was in her blood. Her entire life was an endless battle. Her family wasn't forgiving about who she was. Now, here, she had to fight to live and be successful.

I was a completely different person. I didn't fight needlessly like she did. I didn't have a soul. I just existed, and part of me didn't know why.

"I don't think fighting is going to make this situation go away," I explained solemnly. "You know they hate us, don't you?"

It wasn't a question, so much as a statement. I knew the way they looked at her and I. They always knew we were different. And there wasn't any way to avoid knowing this.

"I don't think they hate us," she began quietly. "I think they just have a hard time getting along with you."

I know….I wasn't so easy to get along with, was I?

* * *

I was enraged with Sylia's cold attitude towards Priss. Why was she so hateful towards her?

I felt so helpless. I didn't know Priss well at all. In fact, I only talk to her because we work together. We never got along, not like her and Linna.

"Nene," Sylia snapped at me. "Pay attention."

Sometimes I didn't like Sylia much either. She wasn't friendly towards me or anyone else for that matter. She always ordered me around and treated me like a child.

The only person she was decent to was Nigel…and…Mackey.

Mackey…

I really loved him but it was hard to get over the fact that he was a boomer. He didn't act robotic at all. He never aged…he never grew…

Everything stayed the same for a long time.

It was scaring me. I loved him so much, but I couldn't deal with the fact that he was a robot. It was just too weird.

I think that was part of the reason why Sylia hated me so much. She knew I felt this way about her "brother". She could just sense it on my face.

She always seemed to know exactly what we were thinking, and that was the creepiest thing ever.

I wondered what other plans she had up her sleeve.

"What's going to happen?" I asked meekly. "I just want to make sure they are going to be okay."

Sylia didn't answer me.

"Sylia?"

"What?" she replied, clearly frustrated. She didn't even make eye contact with me. I could tell she was hiding something. She never looked a person in the eye when she told them a painful secret.

I knew it was going to be bad news and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to hear it.

"It's bad isn't it?" I asked.

She still didn't look at me. She just stared off into space. She did that from time to time. I never knew why though. It sure was strange, and she woke from that daze with no memory of having entered it.

I thought she was sick, now I wasn't sure.

"Sylia?"

She blinked her eyes and looked at me…confused. "What's wrong?" she whispered.

"You don't remember?" I wondered if something horrible was going to happen then…and if it was….I wondered if I would be able to handle it.

"No," she replied quietly. "What happened?"

"You disappeared for a few minutes…" I whispered gravely.

"I did?"

I gulped. "Yes…what's wrong?"

She shook her head sadly. "I don't know. I think I just saw the future."

I blinked my eyes in shock. "What?"

"I saw the future."

I didn't understand it. Sylia had never done anything like this before. What was she talking about?

"How did you do that?"

"I don't know…I closed my eyes and I saw…I saw Priss and Linna."

I gulped. This could only be bad. "What exactly did you see?" I asked nervously.

"They were fighting…and running, and crying out for help. I thought it was weird because Priss never asked for help, even when she desperately needed it. Priss is going to get hurt…she's going to be in pain."

"How can we stop this?" I yelled out in frustration. "I'm not going to sit around and watch my friends die!"

Sylia shrugged. "It's all my fault…I sent them on this mission…I have to deal with the consequences."

I couldn't believe it…I couldn't believe we were giving up so fast.

What happened to our friendship? How did we all grow so far apart?

How were things going to go back to the way they were?

* * *

Linna and I saw the man. He was walking slowly down the alley. I nudged Linna. "We don't have our hard suits, are you sure this is a good idea?"

She shrugged. "She told us to spy on him, not to kill him."

The trouble with spying was that it was a double-edged sword. If you spied on a person, the person was going to spy on you as well. It was the way things were.

I was worried about the whole matter, but I stopped caring. Caring just made things a hell of a lot worse.

"Priss," Linna nudged me. "He's moving."

I smiled. Work just got more and more interesting as each minute went by.

I wondered what else would happen to us as we spied on him. We could never hope for normalcy. It just wasn't possible for people like us…

Linna squinted her eyes. "Where's he going?"

I shrugged. "Looks like he's looking for some action at the bar."

She rolled her eyes. "So typical…going to the bar…"

I didn't understand what she wanted…did she want a drunk, or a saint. Saints were less likely to pull the crap he was pulling.

He was a dangerous man. He didn't look like it, wearing his black suit and sunglasses in the dark, but he was.

Sylia wanted us to spy on him, and I was going to enjoy this.

Mr. Myers was third in command. He believed in the same principles as Mason. He was power hungry and a back stabber.

He was our enemy. And when it came down to it, I was going to enjoy killing him.

Linna sighed. "Why do things have to be this way Priss?"

"Because the world is full of hateful people who only care about themselves," I explained. "It's been that way for centuries. Do you really believe it all would have been changed for you?"

"No," she answered. "I just people didn't have to be so mean to each other."

I smirked. "I used to think that too, when I was younger. Then things changed and I stopped acting that way."

She turned to me in interest. "What happened?" she asked.

"I was abused. And even after the abuse I was damaged for life. I still have flashbacks and panic attacks."

"Do you think that caused…you know…the 'moodiness'?"

"Yes I do. Everything has a cause. And I think that was the cause of my manic depression."

Linna sighed. "It's hard for you, isn't it? Dealing with all that stuff?"

I sighed. "Yeah…I feel like I am on the top of the world for a few weeks, then I crash into the worst depression. I can't think and I can't move. I am in the worst pain…and I'm all alone. It's a horrible disease."

"I wish people would stop with the damn stigma," Linna grumbled. "Life is hard enough without all that hate, judgment and drama!"

"I know…but sometimes I feel like people like making drama."

"How could you say something so horrible?"

"It's just something I noticed. People love to interfere and cause pain, because of the pain they feel inside themselves. However, when the pain is turned on them, they no longer enjoy the process."

Linna shrugged. "I'm not like that."

I smiled. "I know you're not…that's why I like you so much. You're special…you're not like the other people."

Linna smiled back. "Thanks, I could really use the encouragement. I feel like giving up on being a good person sometimes, it just feels so hopeless."

I shook my head. "It's never hopeless being a decent person. There are people out there who really appreciate your kindness. You just don't always get to see it."

She smiled at me, the same friendly smile I loved about her. She was the best friend I had ever had.

"I think you are one of the nicest people I have met," I explained. "I'm glad you're on this mission with me, instead of Nene or Sylia."

She stared at me intently. "Why is it that you don't get along with Sylia and Nene?"

I sighed with annoyance. "We are just so different. And they always get in my way. I can't stand it when people do that. Things just have to be okay and I have to win. If I don't win, I don't feel like a person."

Linna nudged my shoulder. "He's moving," she whispered.

I stared into the darkness. Sure enough, he was leaving the bar, with two whores in tow. I had already figured as much. I didn't know why, but there were so many people who were like that: shallow and selfish.

I knew that all I could be was enough. I didn't care about guilty pleasures and such. I just wanted to get through life, and make it out in one piece.

Linna and I followed the man. He didn't even notice that we were there, watching him. It was the strangest event ever.

He just continued to walk down the road. He didn't seem to care about anyone or anything.

I wanted to kill him. I was thinking about killing him, but I knew I wasn't supposed to. Linna and I were supposed to spy on him, that was all.

Apparently, we weren't supposed to make it out alive…I thought it was strange, considering the man didn't seem to be armed. I was sick of Sylia's dramatics!

Sylia got angry about almost anything. It didn't have to be a true emergency; even the smallest issue would send her into a rage.

On my bad days, I just didn't want to deal with that. I tried to avoid her, but she wasn't an easy person to avoid. Linna understood what I meant. Sylia was moody and angry, more moody and angry than I was.

It was hard for us girls to live with her because well, she was unpredictable. I was unpredictable too, but she set the golden standard for that definition. She was moody, angry, rude…it was like living in hell because sinning and going there. We wanted to help. I wanted to help too. But I had my own issues to work on.

I didn't exactly know how I felt about Sylia. She was a hard person to get along with. She was always so cold to me. It was hard to converse with a person like that.

She lost her father and mother at such a young age. I was sympathetic, but I felt she needed to cut her losses and move on.

I lost both my parents at a young age. I was distant, but not the extreme that she was.

I always wondered what she was hiding. She always was a woman of secrets. I usually couldn't keep up.

It got annoying most of the time because I wanted to know what I was up against, and she would never tell me.

I thought a decent boss would at least have the courtesy to warn me about the dangers of my work. She never did. Sometimes I felt like she didn't give a damn about me.

She was always hiding away in her shell, avoiding the rest of us.

She really made me sick. I couldn't stand her, I was seriously going to punch her when this mission was over.

She was one bitter tramp.

That was my anger talking; I let it take control of things from time to time. I never intended for that to happen. Sometimes it just flew out of my control.

I was addicted to the anger. I was addicted to the rush of control I felt when I got angry. I was addicted to the pain I caused other people.

When I got angry all the pain that was inside me was set free.

Sometimes I didn't want to manage my anger because it felt so good to feel that way: free. I loved the freedom of expression and I never wanted to give it up.

Was there something wrong with enjoying the ride?

Was there something wrong with doing things a bit different from the way everyone else did those same things? I loved being myself. I loved being different.

"Priss," Linna whined. "What are you doing?"

"What?" I was confused.

"You're just staring at the wall…"

"Am I?" Sometimes I just faded away from everything for a few minutes.

Linna was scared. "Are you okay? Maybe you need to rest?"

I shook my head. "I'm going to do this mission. I have to."

She sighed. "I'm so going to kill Sylia when we get back."

I laughed. "Yeah me too."

We started moving again. The man was walking slowly down the alley. I was quickly getting sick of that mission.

When we got back, we were going to punch Sylia in the face.

"You ready?" she asked.

"Yup," I answered. It was now or never.

I was going to beat this, one way or another.


End file.
